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Friends in Low Places 1: We May Be Elitist

September 18, 2008

This is the first in what could should will be a recurring weekly feature. In the footsteps of amazing bloggers & writers before me, I’m editing and publishing some of the great inappropriate  jokes social commentaries elitist judgements shared  every work day on a daily basis through the world wide internets.*  For those of you in the lineup, you know who you are, but nobody else will.** Enjoy!***

2:22 PM Twin: so effed w/ work haha

2:24 PM  Cheddar: I see that now

if you want I can copy down your epitaph just so we have it in case you are crushed by a large law library book

2:25 PM  Twin: thanks. i’m going to be crushed by the U.S. Reports

so sad.

Cheddar: ew they should think about who is going to have to clean up that mess before they make you start researching obscure things

2:26 PM  Twin: yeah i know.

Cheddar: poor maria the cleaning lady

Email thread 1:

Donkey: hi guys! finally online after like a month. haven’t had time to read your emails yet because i really need to share this vital information with you.
Donkey: i am watching tv for the first time since. um. june? probably, and it is Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo.
Donkey: YES!!!!
Donkey: so for my favorite part is when ozone ever so creepily pelvic thrusts from the roof of his building, essentially seducing the entire neighborhood, as far as i can tell.  also we’re going to have to start calling Drama and Cheddar ‘special k.’
Donkey: OH MY GOD TURBO JUST FELL DOWN STAIRS ELUDING PUBLIC SERVANTS!!!!!!! BLOOD FROM HIS HEAD!!
Donkey: ozone says he’s been hurt real bad!!
Drama: Ok, I need more info on this show you are watching. Because it sounds
atrociously amazing.
Dubs: Donkey, that doesn’t even sound real. Are you sure you did take some of Bob
pain’s pills?
Donkey: you squares at city hall don’t even know.

2:48 PM  Ginger: also, looks like adebayor has come running back with his tail between his legs

Cheddar: don’t you know? jens told him to stay

Ginger: “I’m feeling very good here, very well here and at the moment my heart is with Arsenal.”

what a charmer all is forgiven

is there a roll eyes smiley face in gmail?

Cheddar: if jens says so everything is right

Ginger: yeah… i’m going to miss mad jens

gosh, that guy is/was a fucking loon and i loved it

Cheddar: his name is jens he had to be

Ginger: lol exactly

Cheddar: i’m definitely going to name a kid jens

2:50 PM  Ginger: whose kid? your kid? one of your waffle house babies?

2:51 PM  Cheddar: maybe just a dog or a fish

Ginger: oh hell yes

Cheddar: whichever I end up judging myself responsible enough to have

Email from Dubs:
From the Insider: What sort of lipstick does Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin prefer? The Insider spoke to Sarah Palin’s closest friends and found out, uncovering these five (more) things you may not know about her:

  • She’s frugal. “Sarah gave me a thank-you card after I helped her with her lieutenant-governor race,” said her friend, Kristen Cole, who has known the Alaska governor since childhood. “She liked the card so much that she didn’t sign it so I could give it to someone else.”
    • Cheddar: Sounds like she’s just absent-minded and forgot to sign the card.
    • Dubs: That’s great PR spin.
  • She’s a techie. Palin prefers texting to phone calls.
    • Cheddar: Maybe she should have texted Bristol to find out if she was using protection. Although, she probably couldn’t get condoms since her mom cut spending for sex education/family planning.
  • She’s a rock fan. She named her son Trig Paxton Van Palin because it sounds like the band Van Halen. Says friend Judy Patrick, a former city council member who has known Palin for 12 years, “How cool was that to have a kid named Van Palin?
    • Cheddar: People who name their kids after their favorite ____ (insert band/toy/tv show/city/movie/book/game/day/month here) are setting that poor child up for a life of ridicule. See also: Australia’s baby name registry (featuring a rise in Harry Potter character named babies); Moon Unit Zappa; Zuma Rossdale
  • She’s adaptable. Palin used to wear Mary Kay lipstick, but she now prefers MAC.
    • Cheddar: You probably can’t get MAC in Wasilla.
  • She’s a traditionalist. Palin is against waxing. Cole recalls: “I remember that one of her girls wanted to get her legs waxed, and Sarah said, ‘Are you kidding me? What’s wrong with a razor?’
    • Our black friend Alan: what they left out was that she was against waxing because one of the key instructions for use was experience.
    • Cheddar: Yet again proving she’s against a woman’s right to choose (waxing).

4:30 PM  Dubs: oh lovely…you know it’s going to be a good voicemail from mom when she opens with “I wish you would get rid of that snitty voicemail greeting.”

Cheddar: snitty?

4:31 PM  Dubs: I tell people to text b/c I hate voicemailCheddar: bc you’re a bitch

4:32 PM  Dubs: I just dislike the phone

4:33 PM  Cheddar: then why do you have one?

__________________

* An amazing world of instant communication and gratification!

** Names have been changed to hilarious and awesome secret code names (just like spies!). If you want it to be something cooler, I’m open to suggestions. Likewise, if you’re riding the bench, step up during BP and participate.

*** Or don’t. I’m not stopping you from ignoring this post. If it’s really that awful, just post a comment saying so.

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