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Nucular Meltdown: I don’t like you because you’re dangerous.

October 14, 2008

The long awaited VP Debate Running Chat is below. Enjoy!

I cannot in good conscience promote any person (man or woman) taking the White House (again) who cannot pronounce the word nuclear. There is no second “u” in there! With that said, I present the best excerpts of the first installment (however belated) in what will hopefully be a regularly scheduled running commentary of important events/games/tv shows are below.

Just to preface: yes, some of us were playing VP Debate Bingo. Yes, some others were playing the Official VP Debate Drinking Game. No, we didn’t hold back. Yes, there may be some inside jokes you don’t get. And yes, we do use the phrase “OMG” too much.

Welcome to the Thunderdome:

DUBS: So I didn’t actually read the drinking game b/c I don’t know how…so just tell me when to drink
DUBS: Bingo, I can play that w/ no help.
DRAMA: “Can I call you Joe”
DRAMA: he should have said no

DRAMA: soccer game made its appearance already
DUBS: she’s reading off the teleprompter
DRAMA: I’m confused already
DUBS: PS: I ❤ Gwen
CHEDDAR: “You both would like to be vice president”
CHEDDAR: wha wha wha what?
DUBS: this is brand new information!!!
CHEDDAR: SP: what? I thought this was the question and answer portion of the competition
CHEDDAR: the fundamental?
CHEDDAR: what the fuck is that? Didn’t realize fundamental is a noun.

DUBS: omg she just winked at me!
DUBS: I feel dirty

CHEDDAR: oh maverick!

DUBS: I respect your years in the senate but I don’t have them so I’m gonna diss them
DRAMA: sassed
CHEDDAR: Maverick, fly by is denied
CHEDDAR: Gwen is the smartest person here

DUBS: learn lessons?! did the great depression teach us nothing?
CHEDDAR: seriously
CHEDDAR: Are you trying to say that you don’t want a black man to be president?
DRAMA: she doesn’t
CHEDDAR: You’d prefer a dead guy over a black guy?
CHEDDAR: Racist. Necrophiliac.
DUBS: OK fine, Obama/FDR 08

CHEDDAR: I like that whenever Joe (we can call him that right?) smiles his right eye closes like he’s winking
DRAMA: I’d hit that
DRAMA: remember I like old dudes
DUBS: he’s old enough for both of us, Drama
CHEDDAR: excuse me while I vomit

CHEDDAR: does she think the economy is like leftovers?
CHEDDAR: let’s just heat em up
DRAMA: heat it up
DRAMA: just heat it up
DUBS: nuke that shizz and you’re good to go, that’s how I deal when I’ve got hockey games
CHEDDAR: don’t forget to rotate halfway through cooking

DRAMA: i wonder where Gwen Ifill got that fabulous jacket
CHEDDAR: the store for fabulous people
DUBS: Definitely not the toilet store
DRAMA: might be from michael phelps’ mom’s collection

DUBS: Huzzah, I won’t see my taxes raised under Obama, thanks sports information!
DRAMA: did he say under $50,000?
CHEDDAR: I think so
DRAMA: woot woot

CHEDDAR: doesn’t it annoy her how her bangs are in her eyes?
DRAMA: she needs to cut that one over her left eye
DRAMA: also, her highlights are very 2002

DRAMA: who thinks she’ll slip up and call him barack osama
DUBS: hahahaha
DUBS: I’ll bet money on that

DUBS: You know what I’d like to see, green man
DRAMA: someone needs to throw a ball at palin
CHEDDAR: you know what I’d like to see?
CHEDDAR: palin’s hair vs. biden’s hair in a cage match
DUBS: ohhh snap
CHEDDAR: to the death
DUBS: I dunno, they’re both pretty freaking hard

DRAMA: i like joe biden
DUBS: If this was Around the Horn, I just gave Biden 10 points
DRAMA: i didnt really have an opinion of him before
CHEDDAR: I was him in my civics class in HS
DUBS: Damn, as much as I love Gwen…I would so prefer Tony Reali as the moderator. Eh-yo!

DUBS: the nice thing about running with John McCain is he tells me what to say.
CHEDDAR: the nice thing about running with John McCain is that he knows everything and whispers it in my ear
CHEDDAR: the nice thing about running with John McCain is that he is friends with my dad

DUBS: bless their hearts?
CHEDDAR: bless their hearts, those sweet oil company CEOs
DUBS: they just sent me the nicest fruit baskets and fruitcakes for chriams
CHEDDAR: with their oil spills and drilling and pipelines and middle men
DRAMA: oh man, biden should have scratched his neck with his middle finger

DRAMA: revelation made aware
CHEDDAR: “there has been more and more revelation made aware to Americans”
DRAMA: thats a good phrase
CHEDDAR: is english her second language?
DUBS: Yup…you know she spoke Russian first

DUBS: I think Biden just called McCain emo

CHEDDAR: do you think Barack (we can call him that right?) hand wrote that letter?
CHEDDAR: was that before Al Gore invented the internet?

CHEDDAR: oh this should be good
DUBS: “climate change is fake”
DRAMA: uhhh, you might want to think about the causes to help change it
DUBS: I think that all science teachers ever just died a little bit inside
CHEDDAR: maybe if I talk my way around this, no one will realize that I’m saying that I don’t think that man is the cause of global warming
DUBS: “all of the above” what the fuck does that mean? This is not a multiple choice test, sweetie
DUBS: Go Biden! Science wins everytime.

007 has joined
DUBS: Beinvenidoes, 007
007: gracias!!!
CHEDDAR: ignore her, she’s illiterate

DRAMA: there’s so many semi-sexual terms being thrown around
DRAMA: i think biden and palin should just go at it
DRAMA: that would be a good ending to the debate
CHEDDAR: hair animal vs. hair animal?

007: dude. gwen’s jacket is amazing
CHEDDAR: she’s awesome

DUBS: haha Gwen’s like, uhh you didn’t answer the question
DRAMA: wonderful, you agree!
DUBS: oh sassy Gwen
DRAMA: i love her

CHEDDAR: oh my god she IS TINA FEY
CHEDDAR: pew pew pew ::smile::
007: or tina fey is her… one of the other
CHEDDAR: either way

007: wow
007: that last comment of her’s was unintelligible
DRAMA: cuz we need to GET THE TROOPS OUT
007: since when is petreus a “hero”?
DUBS: We cannot fucking lose a Goddamn occupation

CHEDDAR: OMG did she just say nucular
DRAMA: yes
CHEDDAR: twice
DRAMA: yes she did
CHEDDAR: but somehow she can pronounce ahmadinejad

CHEDDAR: Other countries hate us bc of our tolerance?
CHEDDAR: our respect for women’s rights?
DRAMA: respect for women’s rights?????
CHEDDAR: is that the royal “our”?

DRAMA: good news! no second holocaust
DUBS: Sarah Palin hates women but is OK with Jews. That’s good for Red.
CHEDDAR: and Harris

CHEDDAR: I really wish he would actually say: When people ask me, ‘Joe Biden, how did you become so good looking?’
DRAMA: i wonder what he looked like when he was younger…
007: i bet he was a sexy bitch
DUBS: We both ❤ Israel, like omgeez
CHEDDAR: thank goodness we both love Israel
CHEDDAR: Jesus was a Jew, you know
CHEDDAR: and a carpenter!

007: how is is possible that someone this inept has been nominated for VP??? It’s blowing my mind
DUBS: It’s a blow to all women everywhere
DUBS: this is the best McCain could find? really? really? he couldn’t find someone who actually likes other vaginas? really? really? he couldn’t find someone who at least believes in a little bit of science? really? really? and more importantly, he couldn’t find someone who likes polar bears? really? really?
CHEDDAR: we CANNOT have another supposedly educated person in our white house who is unable to pronounce the word NUCLEAR
007: that’s what I’m saying
007: i just want someone in the white house who knows how to enunciate
007: thats all i ask

DUBS: Real quick, I’d like to point out that I now know where Afghanistan is on a map, is that ok?
007: you’re already smarter than her!
DUBS: irrating? is that a word?
CHEDDAR: wait, can we go back to Afghanistan? bc I didn’t get in my talking points there and I need them if I’m going to get cookies after the debate

DUBS: besides the flat top, eh oh
DRAMA: woot woot
DRAMA: i would have hit that
007: i told you he was a sexy bitch!
CHEDDAR: I think that second one is when he was still a stutterer who was afraid to read aloud in class
CHEDDAR: Can I just say that Joe Biden should be a hero for stutters everywhere?
DUBS: Way to go, Kik, for finding both types of men that Drama likes
CHEDDAR: He is quite an orator
007: LOVES IT!!
CHEDDAR: I didn’t realize she hadddd a th th th thing for st st st st stutterers
DRAMA: where did you get that i like stutterers?
DUBS: hahah I meant that she found a picture of him as a little boy and as an old man

CHEDDAR: did he say Bozniats?
007: totally said bozniats
DRAMA: “i dont have a stomach for genocide”
DRAMA: good to know
CHEDDAR: me neither
DUBS: Joe Biden is against genocide. Go him.
CHEDDAR: but I do have a stomach for dead animal dissections

DUBS: “I’m just a Washington outside, I’m not used to the way you operate” actually means “holy shit, I didn’t understand a word coming out of your mouth. I was mayor in Alaska. I can see Russia from my house.”
DUBS: Wow, Palin’s mouth is crooked, I think that’s on account of the puppet strings

CHEDDAR: Gwen’s like: give me some fuckin answers bastards

CHEDDAR: Just to beat this into the ground: How is a person who has a degree in journalism not able to pronounce nuclear properly?

CHEDDAR: how many times can she say the same thing over and over again?
007: she just really wants those cookies
CHEDDAR: she also gets a caprisun now

007: how does mccain know how to win a war? we lost Vietnam!!
DUBS: did we win in Korea?
CHEDDAR: I’m pretty sure Korea was a police action
CHEDDAR: which I don’t think you can win
DRAMA: mccain probably thinks we won in vietnam
007: exactly. not a war in korea
CHEDDAR: maybe if he hadn’t gotten captured, he would know how everything turned out
007: word

DRAMA: bin laden must be laughing his ass off, how much he gets mentioned
CHEDDAR: seriously
DUBS: I think Bin Laden and his cronies are drinking every time they say Bin Laden
007: i would be!

DUBS: I think Tom Cruise is turning over in his grave about the flagrant use of the word maverick
CHEDDAR: She just can’t wait to be maverick instead of goose
DUBS: hahahahah
CHEDDAR: She saw the movie. Goose dies. She definitely does not want to be goose.
007: since when is she a maverick?
DRAMA: move, government, get out the way
DUBS: get out da way

DRAMA: hahahah home depot
DRAMA: sorry 007
CHEDDAR: Home Depot rules
007: please don’t say that, fucking depot…

DUBS: how dare she use the phrase, “say it ain’t so, Joe!” My sports soul just shriveled
DRAMA: did she just say his wife’s award will be in heaven?
CHEDDAR: like all teachers
DRAMA: since they all have nothing in life now?
007: exactly

DUBS: wow, her use of the word “shout out,” while nicely and accurately used, is no where near as cool as when my dad says it

DUBS: hahaha, GO GWEN! Everyone gets extra credit
CHEDDAR: did she just call Joe Biden lame

CHEDDAR: fuck yeah BINGO!
CHEDDAR: what do I win?
CHEDDAR: please be a black president, please be a black president…
007: if she’s in charge of gov reform ill move to canada
DUBS: I already picked out where in Canada I’m moving to…my mom poo-poo’d it on account of the cold but I think it’ll work.
DUBS: Y’all can come visit us in Green Gables on Prince Edwards Island if hell freezes over and McCain wins

DUBS: exceptionalism
DUBS: is that a word? gchat says no
CHEDDAR: those things that we stand for that we can be put to good use

CHEDDAR: oh god if she says Maverick one more time I might jump out the window
DUBS: you read my mind
CHEDDAR: there it is
DRAMA: go jump
DUBS: bye bye, ched. it was nice knowing you
CHEDDAR: it was nice knowing you guys
DUBS: good thing Ched lives in one-story place
007: no joke!
CHEDDAR: fortunately, the closest window is only about 4 feet above the ground

007: do the republicans realize that taxes pay for roads and schools?? Sometimes you cant just cut taxes, thats important money!!
DRAMA: i think he just said that
DRAMA: i know that taxes pay for that stuff from playing Sim City
DRAMA: it sucks when you don’t have taxes
007: exactly

DUBS: a choice on Nov. 4?! You can choose between change and the future and moving to Canada
DRAMA: cue the music
DUBS: I’m proud to be an American where at least I know I’m free
CHEDDAR: is she implying that Barack and Joe are not proud to be Americans?
007: yes
CHEDDAR: Living in a country where, no matter where you come from, you can be whatever you want to be, makes me, Amber Atkins, Proud to be An American.
DUBS: Niles says “I think Lee Greenwood wants his song back”

CHEDDAR: I love BDub
CHEDDAR: any news anchor who can say Weezy on national television is awesome
DUBS: he said that?
CHEDDAR: when he was interviewing Michael Phelps during the Olympics and asked him who he listens to before races and he said Lil Wayne
CHEDDAR: BDub called him Weezy
DUBS: that is amazing


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