Skip to content

Top 10 Ways to Tell That Your Neighbor Deals Drugs

March 31, 2009

So, I live in not the nicest area of my city. By no means is it the ghetto, but let’s just say that the creeper who wanders our street at night talking to himself, the muskrats in the back yard and proximity to what’s known across the city as the “ghetto kroger” don’t make it the best neighborhood. Nonetheless, we* like to let my dad think that it’s pretty safe and no one from the white house apartments down the road will rape or murder me (despite the fact that my P.I. friend who works defense cases has had more than a few clients over there).

Anyway, the idiot and I have suspected that our neighbor is a drug dealer for several months now. As a result, I’ve decided to put together a guidelines for everyone, just in case you also suspect your neighbor is shady and deals drugs to unsavory characters at all hours of the day and night not 50 feet from your yard. Wait, nobody else has this problem? Maybe I do live in the ghetto…

Cheddar’s Top 10 Ways to Tell That Your Neighbor Deals Drugs

10. He has ibuprofen delivered in bulk to the house

9. He enjoys taking short trips around the block with random people in random cars every few hours

8. He has limited visitation rights with his tweenage daughter who spends most of her time with him on her cell phone in the backyard

7. His dog** is trained to bark at police cars, people, mailboxes, birds, leaves, cats, stationary objects, ghosts, visions, etc.

6. Is that a giant bag of drugs in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?

5. He wears jorts

4. You regularly hear him arguing outside with people in running cars but dare not peak out the window

3. Parents tell their children it’s better to walk in the busy road than on the sidewalk next to his house

2. He lives with his sweet and unsuspecting mother

1. The Spongebob car*** (or the Pilsbury Doughboy car or the like) pulls up outside his house. The passenger holds a roll of cash out the window. He retrieves it and returns to the house. He returns to hand “something” to the driver. The car speeds off.

So there you have it. Now you too, can determine where to get the best recreational drugs nearest you! But really, the idiot has threatened to say something to him or calling the cops but has never followed through. And since he was preparing a benadryl and some peanut butter to drug their dog so that it would stop barking and interrupting his sleeping in this morning as I left for work, I don’t think we really have any legs to stand on anymore. The idiot, continuously living up to his name.

—-                                                                                                                                                                                                                   *By we, I’m referring to myself, the idiot, my mom and of course, the police sgt. my dad contacted here before I moved. Who my dad had lunch with and may or may not have run a background check on the idiot.

**Now this dog may be a fierce looking pit-bull or german shephard, or, as in my case, it could be a golden-basset hound mix that looks more like a golden retriever whose legs have been chopped off.

***Yes, I’m serious. Picture a baby blue late-’90s Cadillac Seville. Okay. Now imagine that it has the word “Spongebob” painted on the side, in the typical Spongebob Squarepants font. Yeah, there you go. Not as cool as the blue chrome douhboy car with it’s 16-inch spinners, but still.

Advertisements

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: