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If You Appear Between the Ages of 16-28…

April 9, 2009

I know I’ve been a crappy blogger lately, but I am honestly realizing that I have one of the most boring lives ever. Nothing fun, exciting, dangerous or embarrassing ever happens to me. I suppose I could try having friends and doing things but it’s hard when you own Entourage, Psych and Flight of the Conchords on DVD and may or may not be a recluse.

Anyway, I’ve been meaning to write about this for awhile and just never sat down to do it. My roommate’s girlfriend (RMG) and I love to watch True Life on MTV. Seeing how screwed up others lives are really makes you feel good about yourself (see also: FML and the google results for mullet). One day, RMG said she had been looking at the True Life website and found their Casting Call for future episodes. She was really excited because she found one that’s perfect for me!

Finally!

Finally!

RMG informed me that she had already sent an email about the idiot’s obsession with golf and they had emailed her back asking how that affects their relationship. Typical MTV, rake up all the drama possible. And when she read the “are you a girl that can ramble off stats like one of the guys?” part, she thought, CHEDDAR! I can just picture the muckraking questions from MTV now…

  • do you hang out with a lot of guys? (yes)
  • how does your sports fandom affect your love life? (I’m not sure what this term ‘love life’ means)
  • does everyone think you’re a lesbian? (well, I am “from near san francisco” – this is a direct quote from an ignorant TN boy)
  • is your life just like the show My Boys? (minus the beat writer job, sweet apartment, attractive guy friends and active social life, yes!)
  • are men in your life intimidated by your sports knowledge? (are you saying that beating the boys at ESPN Scene It was not good for my social life?)

Though the idea of being on True Life: I’m a Sports Fanatic sounds awesome, I imagine it will only result in utter humiliation, increased speculation into my sexuality and completely cancel any hope for a future mate. On the upside, I can finally acheive my lifelong dream of becoming a spinster who lives in a cave with cats and a shotgun, and knits booties for the babies at the hospital.

Rather than immediately emailing MTV to detail my “sports fanaticism,” I decided instead to look at the other potential upcoming episodes of True Life. I couldn’t be more excited. I think maybe instead I should try to act my way onto one of the more exciting True Life eps…

Perhaps, True Life: I Hate My Face. Seems harsh, but the casting call also includes True Life: I Hate My Small Breasts and True Life: I Hate My Large Breasts. As a coworker pointed out, what about those girls (or guys) that hate their medium-sized breasts? We’re all about inclusion.

Another classic – True Life: I’m an Italian Stallion. I just don’t even know what to say. I think the casting call speaks for itself…

I was going to marry a waiter at a local Italian restaurant in hopes of becoming a mafia princess. Same thing right?

I was going to marry a waiter at a local Italian restaurant in hopes of becoming a mafia princess. Same thing right?

I’ve heard that this Twilight thing is all the rage, but I didn’t realize we’d reached a point where True Life: I’m a Vampire was necessary. Of course, I will be recording this episode when it comes on because you’ve gotta love a good ol’ fashioned freak show. Plus, Lost Boys is one of the greatest movies ever…the two Coreys? vampires?  Keifer Sutherland? Dianne Wiest? All set on the Santa Cruz boardwalk? It doesn’t get much better than that, unless you’re a real vampire, obviously.

vampire1

Lastly, I think you can chalk this one up to ignorance, but I didn’t realize there were people who “pretended” to be gay for money. According to True Life: I’m Gay for Pay, this is something that happens. Not sure who came up with this idea, but it seems unethical and maybe a teensy, tiny bit weird…

If you're enjoying yourself "in spite of your true sexual orientation" you might want to look into what that true sexual orientation is...

Clearly, my best option is the vampire ep. That could be fun, plus I could show of my acting skills acquired as a member of junior theater. I didn’t put on orange base paint, spirit gummed cotton ball eyebrows and a gold lame costume for nothing! I was the greatest, non-speaking oompa loompa ever! All I need is a little desitin and some fangs and I’m totally in. Remember to set your DVRs people!

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