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Clint Eastwood Ain’t Got Shizz On Me

July 24, 2009

So, I know I’m a failure at blogging. I don’t care. This whole new job (and me being a freakin rockstar at it) means that a lot of people have a lot of things for me to do all day. By the time I get home I don’t even want to look at my computer (unless you count facebook).

Anyway, in celebration of moving into my new place with some cool new roomies and a 10-minute drive to work (not to mention a nice big closet with mirrors on the doors), I decided to look back on the many people I’ve lived with since I moved out for college.

Let me start by saying that the new roomies (3) will make my total count (not including repeats) 19 people with whom I have lived in the past seven years. Gotta love college life. I have moved every year since I started college except last summer when I lived in a place for two straight years for the first time as an adult. Anyway, let’s get into it…

The Good

Unless you're friends with Dubs. *sighs* *shakes head*

Unless you're friends with Dubs. In which case you have no control. *sighs* *shakes head*

Despite the fact that she desecrated my childhood bunkbed while I was supposed to be sleeping on the top bunk, Bunk Mate is the only roomie I lived with twice and I definitely don’t regret it. How else could I been able to tell the “Condom on the Blinds” story or had someone to call Country Bumpkin (before moving to the Dirty Dirty, of course)? Even though she wore overalls sometimes (not as a joke/costume) and liked to cry when she got vodka drunk, life in Isla Vista would not have been the same without her.

Same goes for my only other  repeat roomies, Twin and Wench. I would never had someone to play monsters with and likely wouldn’t be in this job right now without her inspiring me to write for the paper. Likewise, no one would have shown up at our parties if it weren’t for Wench and her sometimes cool and always entertaining dining common friends. I also would have never gotten to watch people wrestle with The Boys or play poker and SuperPong. Lastly, I never would have tried to climb onto the roof in a mini skirt. And by tried I mean, getting halfway up before kicking the patio light out with my heel and deciding it would be a bad idea.

The Bad

NOT someone I know. But awesome nonetheless. Thank you google image search.

Surprisingly NOT someone I know. But awesome nonetheless. Thank you google image search.

Bunk Mate, Twin and Wench kept me sane during the year living with Dubs and she knows it as well as I do, that place was fucked up and she was a slob at the time. Some people you aren’t meant to live with. Despite the time she left a bowl of Cap’n Crunch in our room so long I would have thought she had been hording dead fish up in there if it weren’t for her vegetarianism, we’re still friends. We had some good times, like watching a show on prohibition on history channel while completely hammered and laying on the floor until the room stopped spinning. But no matter what she says about being cleaner now, I think we’d both agree that we’re better off never living together again.

Anyone who knows me would know that pairing me up with The Screamer in a dorm room might not end well. Unfortunately, no one in the housing office at UCSB knew me or bothered to read my “roommate matching questionnaire.” If they had, they would have notice I listed “Screaming bitches will die” in the Pet Peeves section. Thank goodness for everyone else in that hall because those 10 months were LONG. Her boyfriend called and her phone would play “Someday My Prince Will Come.” Her phone case was pink with the Playboy bunny on it. She screamed when: she got excited, she was upset, she was happy, she was sad, she was angry, she was being smothered. Oh the screaming. Haunts me to this day. Needless to say, we did not remain friends and she will not be in my wedding.

The Ugly

Should have thought of that

Should have thought of that

You know what’s a not-so-fun way to be woken up? To the feel of a cool breeze and the sounds of people cooking weird vegan food while blasting Jack Johnson at 6 a.m. That’s what we enjoyed when the hippies moved into our place halfway through junior year. The year I lived with up to six other girls in a four bedroom apartment. Another awesome thing to hear in the morning is the hacking cough of those who are perpetually high. The hippies, the cokehead, the high-functioning pot head, the non-functioning pot head, the slob and the Xena-obsessed lesbian(?) were all present in that apartment. You couldn’t beat the location though – oceanside on the cliffs, next to the park, far enough down the street to be in an almost quiet but not too quiet section of IV. The roommates however, I could and would have beaten repeatedly if I had only had somewhere to hide out when they were found murdered. Dubs was the least of my worries in that place and that’s saying a lot since we shared the tiniest room I’ve ever lived in – just enough room for us to run into each other every time we did anything. It was my least favorite year of college and I think I know why.

The Cokehead gets her own section. Probably because she wasn’t just a cokehead, she was also bulimic and a thief. The peeing on our bunkbed incident was clearly a warning. As was the time she fell asleep in her car in the morning with it running and the heater on. And the fact that she would sometimes be awake, sitting in the living room in a trance at 4 a.m. Likewise, the eating only spinach, tuna, coffee and Splenda (which I’m now convinced contains cocaine). Who would have thought that the person who stole the chocolate bar my mom brought back from the UK was the size 0 health nut? Probably anyone who had heard her puking in the bathroom. We would have tried to help her if it weren’t for the fact that she was a bitch and a cokehead and didn’t want to be helped. Or maybe I’m coldhearted. Whatevs.

The end. Cheddar out. Happy weekending biotches.

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2 Comments
  1. July 27, 2009 7:18 pm

    You know you’re messed in the head when you read that as “Country Blumpkin.”

  2. July 30, 2009 2:32 am

    That is the best chiefing I have ever seen.

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