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Halloween Baby

October 28, 2009

However you might feel about pumpkins, I think we can all agree that Halloween is truly a holiday for all ages to have a good time. Minus those “Halloween is a celebration of the devil for heretics and sinners” people, but let’s be honest that’s probably why all the cool kids love it.


File under: amazing, creepy, things PETA hates

It’s crazy to think that 25 years ago on All Hallow’s Eve, my mom was laid out on a surgery table having a giant, slimy, bloody, placenta-covered baby me pulled out of her. All 10 lbs., 10 oz. and 23 inches of me. Can you imagine? That poor woman was carrying a toddler, for a nice hot summer. No wonder I love her.

Anyway, I was thinking about getting all sentimental and deep about what 25 years old means to me, but then I remembered that Halloween is all about parties, candy, booze, sugar-highs, haunted houses, costumes, hangovers, trick-or-treating, scaring the shit out of others and general debauchery.

Besides, everybody knows that being deep is something to save for Arbor Day and the Summer Solstice.

With all the mischief and mayhem and excitement about being able to finally smoke buy porn drink rent a car on the cheap, I’ve been thinking (big ups to Jenn for the inspiration) a lot about the madness that has been being a Halloween baby. As if yearly costumed birthday parties and people (obviously) giving out candy in my honor weren’t enough, I went to the college capitol of STDs Halloween mania, where 30,000 of our closest friends celebrated my birthday with me every year. Therefore, compiling this list (yeah I said it) of my top 15 Halloween/birthday moments was a tough task, but somebody had to do it. What are your favorite Halloween memories? Here’s hoping I add some more on Saturday. Enjoy…


Reason why Star Wars fans should not procreate.

Cheddar’s Top 15 Halloween Birthday Moments

15. First birthday – Dove head first into the bobbing for apples tub. Pretty sure there were no apples left. Began impressive bobbing for apples career, ended by Bob Sanchez 19 years later (see #8)

14. Seventh birthday – Seven, seven-year-olds. Crying, pizza making, Mom left alone with us while Dad went to the movies. ‘Nuff said.

13. Eighth birthday – Crazy driver nearly hits children while trick-or-treating. Dad throws godson’s stroller at hood of car. Amazing.

12. 21st birthday – Bunkmate and I clear path of (hookup) destruction at party. Run into Bunkmate’s makeout partner (hickies and all) at Denny’s birthday brunch the next morning. Die laughing.

11. 18th birthday – Dorm friends head out on Nov. 1, nearly vomit at site of dirtiest kitchen in IV. Boxers McGee climbs rips open bathroom screen and climbs out of the window.

10. 24th birthday – Halloween in KnoxVegas. Followed around by super awkward Jamaican from my master’s classes.

9. Third birthday – Video evidence of my grandfather entering the house and scaring the shit out of me while wearing a Richard Nixon mask. Convinced it would still scare me today.

8. Ninth birthday – Mom makes cake of Candlestick Park, complete with baseball figurines. Cake falls apart. Mom freaks and buys a new cake, even though I like the Candlestick after the ’89 quake cake better. Jokes ensue.

7. 22nd birthday – Tuesday night at the Carlos Club (aka 5 people including the bartender and us): Samoan bartender makes us shots containing jager and crown royal, calls them “magic.” Possibly homeless man at the bar talks shit loudly about Native Americans. I somehow resist the urge to fight him. Thank goodness we lived within walking distance.

6. 13th birthday – Hotel party at the Embassy Suites. Pretty sure this was the one that convinced me I never want to have a daughter.

5. 19th birthday – Organize brief gathering for my birthday. Can’t convince roommates to bob for apples with me. Compete against two guy friends. Bob Sanchez beats me, on my birthday. Rips off shirt in triumph. (PS – I want a rematch)

4. 21st birthday – Sort of hookup with a Nigerian Prince. Throw a skinhead out of our house to meet the black guys he was yelling at. Do a happy dance knowing that he got his ass beat.

3. 10th birthday – Joint party at the park. Things go wrong when the other birthday girl gets clocked in the head rocked by rogue pinata. Classic.

2. First birthday – Family friend rides off down the street on a Big Wheel in a Rainbow Brite costume. Parents don’t realize she’s missing for several minutes.

1. 21st birthday – Engage in drinking competition with an 18-year-old. At work. After being at the bars for several hours. Stealth barf in my office. Pass out on couch. Wake up with pink cardigan and “I love my body” pin. Call it a success.

  1. October 28, 2009 8:40 am

    “Stealth barf” is my new favorite phrase.

  2. October 29, 2009 11:29 am

    EXCUSE ME! It wasn’t Bunkmate’s makeout partner that we saw at Denny’s the next day — that would have been me! Got to love the Albertson’s makeout partner.

  3. Cheddar permalink*
    October 29, 2009 11:31 am

    LiLu – Damn straight! It’s delightful

    Dubs – You two are the same when it comes to taste in men so whatever.

  4. October 29, 2009 7:35 pm

    I think my entire set of teen years are what turned me off from ever having children. Loved this post!

  5. October 29, 2009 11:31 pm

    No birthday is complete if a skinhead doesn’t get beat down.

  6. November 1, 2009 3:13 pm

    I’ll give my left arm if I could switch my birthday to Halloween. Argh argh, always in costume and in a party mood? it’s on!

  7. November 1, 2009 7:54 pm

    >>>Compete against two guy friends. Bob Sanchez beats me, on my birthday. Rips off shirt in triumph. (PS – I want a rematch)<<<

    Only if you promise to take off your shirt if you beat me.

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