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I Might Be A Death Eater

January 29, 2010

Have you ever had one of those days where you’re just feeling stabby? Like the next person who so much as blinks at you deserves a pen to the jugular? Who am I kidding? I’m stalking you I’ve seen your tweets, I know the answer to these questions.

I’m pretty sure the act of stabbing someone in the neck with a ballpoint pen would be really satisfying. I mean, the force you’d have to use to get through the skin? And the feeling of getting into the squishy insides and the large amount of blood? It would be messy, but imagine how calming it could be.

I digress.

Anyway, lately I’ve been feeling stabby. This would all be well and good if it weren’t for the fact that it’s an everyday occurrence. Every day I wake up wondering if today will be the day my coworkers hear a commotion and walk into my office to find me covered in the blood of my inept officemate, a student worker, or some random passerby.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that I feel like Harry Potter. Yes, I said Harry Potter. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.

Harry Potter

This may or may not be how I look most days. Minus the boy parts.

Oh fine. I’m a big nerdy mcnerderson and I love HP. And I used a cutesy nickname too. Shut it.

From HP and the Order of the Phoenix…

Harry Potter: This connection between me and Voldemort… what if the reason for it is that I am becoming more like him? I just feel so angry, all the time. What if after everything that I’ve been through, something’s gone wrong inside me? What if I’m becoming bad?
Sirius Black: I want you to listen to me very carefully, Harry…the world isn’t split into good people and Death Eaters. We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.

So, yeah, I think something’s gone wrong inside of me. I know there’s a light part of me, I just can’t seem to act on it. Clearly, I’m on the one-way train towards becoming a Death Eater and Sirius is nowhere to be found to stop me.

Maybe I’m wrong, but wanting to stab people in the jugular and/or toss them out a window of a tall building isn’t a good sign. Neither is waking up grinding my teeth and absolutely seething in the middle of the night. Top all that off with my friend asking me (in all seriousness), “Is there anyone that you actually like?” And I’m just about ready to quit human interaction and move into a cave with some wild dogs.

All of this just make me think that maybe all these years I’ve just been pretending to be kind of nice/kind of sarcastic, when really I’m just dark, twisty and angry on the inside. Or perhaps I have an evil alien baby growing inside of me. Or, worst of all, I’m slipping into a weird Harry Potter fantasy world in which I’ve signed up as a Death Eater and the kids all call me She Who Shall Not Be Named (coincidentally, a former “pet name” for my stepmom).

I’m not sure what the cure is for any of these problems. I don’t want to be the dark, angry one. I don’t want people to avoid me for fear I might stab, bludgeon or bark at them. I’m getting back into using running as an outlet, which helps for a bit, but no matter how much I try to be positive and get shit done (ala ben), I eventually just revert back to a state of Voldemort-style rage.

As they always say, ‘Once a Death Eater, always a Death Eater.’ Or something.

Any ideas for less rage and more happy, are welcome. Likewise, any ideas for less harry potter and more being an adult plausible, happier life paths are also welcome.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go order some ballpoint pens.

  1. January 29, 2010 12:00 pm

    I wish I could help on this one, I’m quite stabby lately too. I can’t decide whether it’s something inside of me or if people are just assholes. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt most of the time, and take the blame… but no. I think it’s just them. I don’t want to stab really though. You know those windows in highschools? The kind that you have to raise up and they kind of stick out like an eyelid? I want to put people’s heads on the windows eal and just bang that shit down repeatedly. Wow… ok I sound like quite the emo today.

  2. Cheddar permalink
    January 29, 2010 12:11 pm

    Dude, those windows and the heads and the banging? That sounds amazing! Too bad our windows are thick double-pane glass. Am I turning emo? I feel like it’s not emo if we are angry and not manic. I still think I’m awesome, just everyone around me is an idiot. Last night I definitely picked up the pen, but refrained from the stabbing on account of we were in a very public place. Someone, somewhere should be proud. And my coworker should be thankful.

  3. January 29, 2010 3:59 pm

    My boss likes to tell me that I have low tolerance for moronic behavior, and I tend to agree. I want to stab them all, too.

  4. January 29, 2010 10:08 pm

    I suddenly have the urge to stab female midgets. Pretty sure Bananas feels the same way.

  5. February 22, 2010 10:27 am

    it’s been my experience that black pens with the gel-type ink (i.e. not Bic) do the most/best damage.

    and by “my experience” i mean “when i accidentally stab myself because i am incapable of using a pen like a normal person.”

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