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What is this?

April 7, 2011

I haven’t been here in forever. I know. I’m back and I’ve redesigned, but I’m not making any promises. Shit is going on in my life and I feel like I need to write about it again. So here I am. This may be a stream of consciousness and not make any sense, but just go with it. It’s been a while.

So for the first time in seven years, I’ve been on a couple of dates. SEVEN YEARS. No exaggerations here and it wasn’t because I was in a relationship. And to be honest, I’m not sure I’m good at dating. Or cut out for relationships. And I don’t mean that in a “I’m putting myself down feel sorry for me” way, I just mean it on a cellular, emotional level, I may not be a “dating type” or a “relationship person,” which I know is not something women are supposed to say. But it might be the truth for me. I don’t like cuddling, I don’t mind going to the movies by myself or killing bugs, I don’t know how to act when you say you can’t keep your hands off me (in public), I don’t know how to respond when you tell me that you “miss me already” when we’ve barely made it through our second date (except with a laugh and an eye roll).

And you’re right, maybe it is just this one guy. But I thought I should write about it anyway, so deal with it.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’d much rather just date someone who I am already friends with (or not date anyone at all) rather than wade through this awkward getting to know you period where it’s unclear what each person’s motives are, and what they are really like when they aren’t in first-, second-, or third-date mode. If you’re like me, this whole early period is like pulling teeth.

After two dates, am I supposed to know if I even want to date this person? Is it a bad sign to feel indifferent still? My roommate quoted Emily Giffin after I told her how I felt after date two, “The opposite of love isn’t hatred; it’s indifference.” Should two meals, several drinks and approximately nine hours with someone be enough to have an opinion on them? I feel like the answer should be yes.

Perhaps I’m just being to picky about someone who uses “u” and “r” instead of “you” and “are” in texts. Or who may or may not have told me that if he decides to go buy weed during a date to be “jovial” with the dealer’s bitches while I wait outside so they don’t think I’m “highfalutin” (I think hope that was a joke). Or maybe I just don’t know how black gingers (yeah you read that right) operate.

Or I’m just bad at dating. Too much work and I’m only two weeks back into the game. I foresee in my future more third-wheeling and random hookups in cars (trust me, you don’t want to know).

Thanks for listening. I’ll probably perk up soon.


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